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Funny insults

Funny insultsHere’s a great list of more than 100 different funny insults. Read them and use them as you like. However, you must know one thing, it may well be that you and your friends find them funny. Some people will be hurt and upset if you use insults on them. Some may get angry and you will get a good beating. So use them with care and use them only on people you know can take it.

  • I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
  • Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I’ve wanted to cut it down.
  • I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
  • I heard your parents took you to a dog show and you won.



  • You’re a person of rare intelligence. It’s rare when you show any.
  • I would probably find you more interesting had I studied psychology.
  • I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.
  • Brains aren’t everything. In fact in your case they’re nothing.
  • Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!
  • You fear success, but really have nothing to worry about.
  • You are proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
  • Anybody who told you to be yourself, simply couldn’t have given you worse advice.
  • More of the Funny insults

  • I love what you’ve done with your hair. How did you get it to come out of one nostril like that?
  • Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?
  • Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?
  • Your house is so nasty, I tripped over a rat, and a cockroach stole my wallet.
  • You are so old, the candles on your birthday cake raised earth’s temperature by 3 degrees.
  • I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.
  • In the battle of wits you’re an unarmed man.
  • Moonlight becomes you – total darkness even more.
  • Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the 3rd ones for you.
  • You’re so dumb, your dog teaches you tricks.
  • You are so dumb, you planted a dogwood tree and expected a litter of puppies.
  • Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
  • You inspired the slogan, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”
  • You tell people you live just up the street from the corner of Walk and Don’t Walk.
  • I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you never use it.
  • Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, you just gargled.
  • Your house is so dirty you have to wipe your feet before you go outside.



  • I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you.
  • If you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless.
  • You are living proof that God has a sense of humor.
  • You must have been born on a highway because that’s where most accidents happen.
  • Are you always an idiot, or just when I’m around?
  • I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you.
  • If you are going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty.
  • You stare at frozen juice cans because they say, “concentrate”.
  • One more wrinkle and you’d pass for a prune.
  • What’s the difference between you and eggs? Eggs get laid and you don’t.
  • Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
  • Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
  • I’m jealous of all the people that haven’t met you!
  • You are so old, you walked into an antique shop and they sold you.
  • You look like you just escaped from planet of the apes.
  • You bring everyone a lot of joy, when you leave the room.
  • I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
  • I heard you went to a freak show and got in for free.
  • If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
  • You remind me of the ocean – you make me sick.
  • Your family tree is nothing but a rest stop for dogs.
  • Two wrongs don’t make a right, take your parents as an example.
  • You conserve toilet paper by using both sides.
  • Let’s play horse. I’ll be the front end and you be yourself.
  • I don’t exactly hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water, I’d drink it.



  • You prefer three left turns to one right turn.
  • You have a Teflon brain – nothing sticks.
  • You shouldn’t play hide and seek, no one would look for you.
  • You’re a dim bulb in the marquee of life.
  • Don’t go to a mind reader; go to a palm reader; I know you’ve got a palm.
  • It’s better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.
  • When you get to the men`s room, you will see a sign that says, “Gentlemen.” Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.
  • When they made you, they broke the mold – and beat the mold maker.
  • Maybe if you ate some of that makeup you could be pretty on the inside.
  • We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.
  • What are you going to do for a face when the baboon wants his butt back?
  • At least when I do a handstand my stomach doesn’t hit me in the face.
  • Believe me, I don’t want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?
  • When you die, I’d like to go to your funeral, but I’ll probably have to go to work that day. I believe in business before pleasure.
  • How many times do I have to flush to get rid of you?
  • If ugly were a crime, you’d get a life sentence.
  • If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth.
  • Great selection of Funny insults

  • Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?
  • I don’t mind that you are talking so long as you don’t mind that I’m not listening.
  • I fart to make you smell better.
  • I feel sorry for you because you are so homely, but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.
  • If I told you that I have a piece of dirt in my eye, would you move?
  • You are so old, when you were a kid rainbows were black and white.
  • If my dog had your face, I would shave his butt and make him walk backwards.
  • I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club because they need someone to snub.
  • I heard that you were a lady killer. They take one look at you and die of shock.
  • You think Cheerios are doughnut seeds.
  • Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.
  • Are your parents siblings?
  • You have the face of a saint. Saint Bernard, that is.
  • You are so stupid, when you heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, you went out.
  • You are the reason God created the middle finger.
  • You think Taco Bell is where you pay for your phone calls to Mexico.
  • All day I thought of you. I was at the zoo.
  • You must be from the shallow end of the gene pool.



  • You call people to ask them for their phone number.
  • To make you laugh on Saturday, I need to you joke on Wednesday.
  • You weren’t fully debugged before being released.
  • You may be a beautiful person on the inside, too bad you were born on the outside!
  • You must be the arithmetic man – you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.
  • Your family wasn’t dysfunctional until you arrived.
  • You have Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
  • You’re a few fries short of a Happy Meal.
  • You’re a few planets short of a Federation.
  • I’d like to see things from your point of view but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass.
  • You’re so dense, light bends around you.
  • You’re so dumb, blondes tell jokes about you.
  • The last time I saw a face like yours I threw it a fish!
  • I heard that you went to the haunted house and they offered you a job.
  • I know you are nobody’s fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.
  • The twinkle in your eyes is actually the sun shining between your ears.
  • The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him.
  • The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
  • I guess you prove that even god makes mistakes sometimes.
  • I’ll hit you so hard by the time you come down, you’ll need a passport and plane ticket back.
  • You’re as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
  • There is no vaccine against stupidity.
  • I hear the only place You are ever invited is outside.
  • Some people have called you a wit. They’re half right!
  • If I ever need a brain transplant, I’d choose yours because I’d want a brain that had never been used.
  • I’ll hit you so hard you’ll have to unzip your pants to say hi!
  • I’d like to break the monotony; where’s your weakest point?
  • Our friendship is like that of a dog to a fire hydrant.
  • No, a polygon is not a dead parrot.
  • Save your breath. You’ll need it to blow up your date.
  • I’ll hit you so hard your kids will be born dizzy!
  • Pardon me, but you’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
  • People can’t say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!
  • Sit down and give your mind a rest.
  • People clap when they see you – their hands over their eyes or ears.
  • We all spring from apes, but you didn’t spring far enough.
  • You are so old, you fart dust.
  • So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
  • Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
  • You are so ugly she could scare the moss off a rock!
  • Sure, I’ve seen people like you before – but I had to pay an admission.
  • Your mind is on vacation but your mouth is working overtime.
  • The last 25 Funny insults

  • Your head whistles in a cross wind.
  • They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.
  • You’re ski lift doesn’t go to the top of the hill.
  • There’s two things I really hate about you: your face!
  • They say Will Rogers never met a man he didn’t like, obviously he never met you.
  • For those who never forget a face, you are an exception.
  • Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable. Like a coma.
  • They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.
  • When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
  • You have signs on both ears saying “Space for Rent”.
  • You are so stupid, you’d trip over a cordless phone.
  • I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
  • You’re a legend in your own mind.
  • You are so old, your birth-certificate expired.
  • You’re as useless as a screen door on a submarine.
  • I’m looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven’t had it yet.
  • If brains were dynamite, you would not have enough to blow your nose.
  • People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright.
  • I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can’t count that high.
  • I’ve had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.
  • I wish your charm could be bottled – then a cork could be put in it.
  • I may be fat but you are ugly, and I can lose weight.
  • I would love to beat you up, but I have a problem with cruelty to dumb animals.
  • I researched your entire family tree and it seems you were the sap.
  • You are so old, even your memory is in black and white.




Wow, you’ve read them all, it’s amazing. I hope you liked these funny insults. If you have some insults that you think will suit this list, please submit them. Keep in mind that this page is only for fun and to entertain people. I would therefore ask you to share this site with your family, your friends and others you care about. I hope you enjoyed these insults and have found some of your favorites. Remember to check out the other pages out with other insults, we also have jokes, riddles, puns and quotes.

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