Husband and wife Jokes is about marriage and all the problems it can create. Read these funny jokes and laugh. Do you want to share Husband and wife jokes I dont have on this list, you can always submit them, so others can enjoy them as you.
- A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, “Mommy, why does the girl wear white?” His mom replies, “The bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.” The boy thinks about this, and then says, “Well then, why is the boy wearing black?”
- A Lady to Doctor: “My husband has d habit of talking in sleep! wat should I give him to cure”?
Doctor: Give him an Opportunity to speak when he’s awake.
- It is said that Husband is the head of the family.
But remember that wife is the Neck of the family.
And the Neck can turn the Head exactly the way she wants.
- A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 AM.
The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies, “How am I supposed to know? We’re 200 miles inland!” and hangs up.
Her husband rolls over and asks, “Sweetheart, who was that?”
“I don’t know, some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear.”
- The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
- Wife:”I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”
Husband:”You have perfect eyesight.”
- A wife asked her husband: “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?”
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humor!”
- Wife: “What are you doing?”
Wife: “Nothing? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.
Husband: “I was looking for the expiration date.”
- Two husbands were having a conversation, First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
- A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”
- Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts: “Up! Quick! My husband is back!”
Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts himself, and then realizes: “Damn, I am the husband!”
- Rita found her husband hanging in his bedroom this morning.
There was a note on his bed which read, “I can’t take the critism anymore.”
She quickly cut the rope, brought him down and managed to revive him.
As her husband lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she remarked:
“That’s NOT how you spell criticism my dear!”
- A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.”
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
- A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
- Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: “Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever” “Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: “Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last”
- Wife: What is so interesting in me?
Husband: I dont know the meaning of interesting!
- A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”
He turned around and said, “So, you want me to stay?”
- If you were my husband, I would poison your coffee
If you were my wife I would drink it.
- A white couple gets a black child.
Angry husband asks: “You white, Me white. Why is baby black”?
Wife: “You hot, Me hot. Baby burnt”!
- Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!
- Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in ur hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that u were a newspapers so I could have a new one everyday.
- This eighty year old couple were celebrating their 60th anniversary and the wife says to her husband, ” Honey let’s get stark naked and sit at the dining table and eat our dinner!”
As they sat at the dining table the wife says, “Honey I am beginning to get very hot and very aroused!”
The husband says, “That is because you have your tits in the soup!”
- Wife: ‘Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Husband: For God’s sake.
It’s a scarf!
- A couple had been married for 50 years and had raised a brood of 10 children and was blessed with 20 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.”
- Wife: Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don’t you do that?
Husband: How can I? I don’t even know her.
- Woman: Say something that makes me feel a woman.
Man: You can’t park the car.
- Boss hangs a poster in Office
“I AM THE BOSS, DO NOT FORGET”
He returns from lunch, finds a slip on his desk.
“Ur wife called, she wants her poster back home.”
- A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral: BE SPECIFIC.
- Man outside phone booth: Excuse me!
You are holding the phone since 20 mins and haven’t spoken a word!
Man inside: I’m talking to my wife.
- Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
- A pregnant lady went to an astrologer.
Astrologer: When u deliver a baby, baby’s father will die.
Lady: Thank god! My husband is safe!
- My wife and I
were happy for 20 years.
Than we met.
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